When I opened the envelope, I felt my heart drop. As much as I tried to ignore it, tear it up, or burn it, it stared me down, flashing its pert little red, white and blue face at me. Tell me, how can such a youthful person such as myself, be on Medicare? Right then and there, I sat down and wrote this list of the top 10 things I won’t do just because I am an old fart….

The Top 10 Things I Won’t Do Just Because I am an Old Fart:

1. I won’t prance around in flowered house dresses.

2. I won’t let my hair go gray or white – I’d rather eat dog food than to go without my flamboyant red hair.

3. I will never go without a bra. In fact, I will undoubtedly continue to purchase bras that “lift and separate my 38 longs.”

4. When I am really old and feeble, I won’t ask my children to take care of me – that’s what long term health insurance is for!

5. I won’t cancel our yearly adventure to Hawaii. I may have wrinkled up skin and age spots, but I still love the beach.

6. I won’t give up shaving my legs or my “pits.” If I can’t do it, I’ll find a girlfriend to do it for me. While she is there, she can pour me a nice glass of Chardonnay.

7. I absolutely will never give up quilting. There are a plethora of hand dandy magnifying devices available just for old farts like me.

8. I won’t give up putting on make-up, nor will I apply it so that I look like a clown.

9. I won’t become up a dried-up old prune who is judgmental, rude, or a “know it all.”

10. I won’t move into an assisted-living facility to become a “conquest” for some horny oldie who “thinks” he’s a goodie. Thanks, but no thanks.

Happy quilting!