Editor’s Note: This is the second part of a three part series examining the impact of technology ranging from cell phones to Facebook and Twitter to laptops in schools on today’s teenagers.
Much like the playground bully that generation after generation of children have endured, young people today endure cyberbullying in silence, not knowing how to deal with it or what to do when they see someone else victimized.
Kids and parents alike need to understand how to use cell phones, instant messaging, social media sites and other technology tools as well as understand the power of words on a screen.
There are many things adults and teens can do to prevent online bullying. There are also appropriate ways to deal with cyberbullying when it happens.
Young people also need to understand the impact of what they post, how to interact with each other as well as the adults they’re friends with or follow.
It’s a new reality in cyberspace.
MORE THAN WORDS ON A SCREEN
Kentwood High senior Madison Belmondo is not one to stand by and watch online drama.
Belmondo has seen her friends on Facebook post things about other people that she thought was out of line.
She’s seen other people post comments that were wrong.
“A friend of mine posted something about another one of my friends that was extremely rude,” Belmondo said. “It was just over the top. I didn’t say anything. But, I was appalled.”
In her time on Facebook she’s seen a number of things she wanted to report but didn’t.
Still, there have been times where it was intolerable.
“It’s really hard because you’re scared people are going to find out it’s you, but, on Facebook there’s a link you can click that says ‘Report Spam,’” she said. “I’ve done that twice and it was so nerve wracking. I’ve seen it 20 times where I’ve wanted to do it. You look at it and say, ‘Why would someone post that?’”
Still, Belmondo admits it is not socially acceptable to call out your friends publicly or privately for their bad cyber behavior, but sometimes it has to be done.
Allan Kush, deputy executive director of wiredsafety.org, explained that kids are hiding much of what goes on in cyberspace.
“There’s this whole concept that the kids have of not narcing each other out that has gotten to the point where kids won’t even acknowledge to their parents or family they’re being bullied or people are posting rude and crude things about them,” Kush said. “They’re going through the emotional trauma that creates. A lot of parents are ambivalent about what’s going on. Sometimes to them the silver bullet is I’m going to take your laptop, I’m going to take your smartphone, so if the kid is being bullied they’re going to suffer from the so-called cure.”
Kush said his organization encourages teens to find some adult they can trust, even if it isn’t their parents, to talk to if something is going wrong in their virtual lives whether it’s a member of the clergy, a teacher, another family member, a coach, someone.
“Isolation is the tool that bullies and stalkers depend on,” Kush said. “If there is anything we can do to get the message across that this is a common thing and isolation is something bullies and predators and stalkers try to use against you, so, don’t let them have that victory. Seek out an adult you can trust.”
Jason and Kelli Krafsky, a Maple Valley couple who are experts on social media and relationships, wrote in an email interview “if your kid is on Facebook, you’re on Facebook.”
“The number one question people asked when the news stories hit about the kids cyber bullying other kids was ‘Where were the parents?,’” Jason Krafsky wrote. “Just because Facebook seems too confusing or takes too much time, you are your child’s first line of defense to protect them from outsiders, and in some cases, from themselves. We’ve heard some parents say, ‘I don’t have time for Facebook.’ If your teen is on Facebook, you don’t have time not to be on Facebook. Believe us, the kids whose parents are not on Facebook is very apparent by what they are posting.”
Additionally, Jason Krafsky wrote, parents must have full access to their kids profile as well as have login and password information for their child’s profile.
“This is not for spying purposes,” he wrote. “It is so you can periodically login to their account and view the private messaging and make sure bad things aren’t happening in private.”
Parents should also have regular conversations with their kids about what’s happening on Facebook and off on topics ranging from the latest virus spreading on the social media site to discussing a post made by a friend you have in common.
“This keeps the Facebook topic safe, healthy and open so if and when something a natural topic you talk about,” Jason Krafsky wrote.
Kelli Krafsky added kids don’t need to have 800 friends on Facebook but for many there is status enhancement as a result of the number of friends one has and it becomes an unofficial competition.
“The first thing kids can do to avoid cyber bullying is make sure their Facebook friends are really friends or associations they can trust,” Kelli Krafsky wrote. “Friending the ‘popular kids’ or the ‘in crowd’ or everyone at school only makes a kid more susceptible for online and real time teasing or worse.”
Finally, she wrote, kids need to be comfortable talking to their parents offline about online issues.
“If a teen suspects any kind of threat or intimidation or bullying, even teasing that makes them uncomfortable, they should share it with a parent,” Kelli Krafsky wrote. “Things can happen quickly on Facebook. The sooner a parent knows what is occurring, the sooner it can be nipped from escalating out of control.”
Diane Fox, assistant principal at Tahoma High, has plenty of advice for her students when it comes to Facebook.
She urges them to avoid using obscenities on Facebook and with her own kids they must be friends with her on the social media site because it’s “non-negotiable.”
“I have cautioned students to put your Facebook under complete lockdown, hide your friends list and allow your parents to be your friend,” Fox said. “Kids don’t like that which means you have something to hide. That’s an important rule so when you have inappropriate activity you can go, ‘Hey my mom is my friend.’ It kind of establishes a boundary.”
Fox also encourages teens to “defriend, defriend, defriend.”
“If someone is mean to you, they shouldn’t have the privilege of seeing your life in cyberspace,” she said. “And most important, if you see it, say it, call it out, report. If it feels ugly it is. If it seems mean, it is.”
Next week Part III: “Think before you push send.”
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