No matter how you cut it, slug is not appealing

When Noah was getting ready to push off with his ark, the story goes, God told him to gather all the animals of the world “two by two.” That was a delicate way of saying that he was supposed to locate both a male and female version of each animal so that there would eventually be baby animals to ensure the continuation of each species. Fortunately, God didn’t have to explain the exact details of sex to Noah, who according to some sources fathered hundreds of kids of his own. That’s why God had to find something else for Noah to do.

When I was a kid, my dad told me that when it came to rounding up slugs, Noah only needed to bring one aboard.

“Why was that?” I asked. “Because a slug is a hermaphrodite,” Dad explained. “Oh,” I replied – and ran out to play.

After thinking it over for several months, I asked him who Herm Aphrodite was.

“It’s a creature that has both male and female characteristics,” Dad said. “Oh,” I replied – and ran out to play.

A few years later, I asked dad a followup question: “So does that mean that slugs are sort of like uncle Mike?” Dad nodded – and ran out to play.

The fact that slugs can mate with themselves is probably a good thing. They are so slow that if they had to go through the normal courtship process – going on dates, making out, foreplay – the species would have become extinct a million years ago.

Considering that slugs are so plentiful here in the Northwest, they’re probably not very smart, either. After all, in a place where gardening is so popular, slugs are practically Public Mollusk Number One. Even so, they choose to live in an area that is extremely hostile to their survival.

For example, slugs hate traveling across things in the garden like lava rock and bark chips. It irritates and dehydrates them. Coincidentally, I don’t like being in the garden for the same reason.

Master gardeners say that salt, caffeine, wine and beer are all fatal to slugs, making them the least fun gastropods to party with. Yet where do slugs choose to hang out? Why, right here in the land of sodium-laden restaurants (including one actually called “Salty’s”), coffee places, wineries and breweries. Let’s face it, slugs are just asking for it.

I tuned in a talk show recently where a woman slug expert was the guest. “True, slugs can be quite destructive in the garden,” she admitted. “But I think they are fascinating creatures.” I’m surprised Barbara Walters has never interviewed one.

“The way slugs are able to travel,” continued the expert, “is by gliding on the slime that their bodies produce. It is quite unique in nature.” Again, it’s a good thing they don’t need to date.

“Plus,” she added, “slugs can stretch up to 20 times their normal lengths, enabling them to squeeze through tiny openings in order to get at their food.” Sorry, ma’am, but none of that sounds all that appealing – although it would be kind of handy to squeeze through a keyhole if you accidentally got locked out of the house.

Unlike their cousins, the snails, slugs aren’t even good to eat. In fact, the Medical Journal of Australia recently issued a warning to the citizens down under not to eat slugs. And that includes the always-tasty slug-ka-bobs cooked on the barbie. Doctors say that some slugs carry a worm that can make people ill. So if the slug doesn’t get you, the worm will.

Around here, the experts say that it is actually okay to eat banana slugs, assuming they are worm-free. Banana slugs are those really big ones with the Chiquita sticker on the side. They can be as long as 10 inches or more. That’s a lot of slug to eat in one sitting, so it’s wise to save half for later. Incidentally, the official name for the banana slug is Ariolimax columbianus – which is the sound a human makes trying to choke one down.

So if slugs aren’t good food, maybe they’d make nice pets, especially for people allergic to dog and cat fur but not slime. In fact, maybe a slug could actually be taught to come when called.

Then again, who could wait that long?


Talk to us

Please share your story tips by emailing editor@kentreporter.com.

To share your opinion for publication, submit a letter through our website https://www.kentreporter.com/submit-letter/. Include your name, address and daytime phone number. (We’ll only publish your name and hometown.) Please keep letters to 300 words or less.

More in Opinion

Don C. Brunell is a business analyst, writer and columnist. He is a former president of the Association of Washington Business, the state’s oldest and largest business organization, and lives in Vancouver. Contact thebrunells@msn.com.
Is the Northwest ready for our ‘Big One?’ | Brunell

When President Biden warned FEMA does not have enough money to finish… Continue reading

Robert Whale can be reached at robert.whale@auburn-reporter.com.
Combing through this current follicle challenge | Whale’s Tales

I feared the day when passersby on the streets would start in with, “Hey, get a look at Uncle Fester there!” or “What’s cookin’, Kojak?!”

Don C. Brunell is a business analyst, writer and columnist. He is a former president of the Association of Washington Business, the state’s oldest and largest business organization, and lives in Vancouver. Contact thebrunells@msn.com.
Thoughts on Memorial Day and the ultimate sacrifice | Brunell

On Memorial Day, we traditionally honor Americans in our military who gave… Continue reading

Robert Whale can be reached at robert.whale@auburn-reporter.com.
In search of fairness, morals and good sportsmanship | Whale’s Tales

Ah, the Golden Rule. We all know it: do unto others as… Continue reading

Robert Whale can be reached at robert.whale@auburn-reporter.com.
If you’re right, and you know it, then read this | Whale’s Tales

As the poet Theodore Roethke once wrote: “In a dark time the eye begins to see…”

Robert Whale can be reached at robert.whale@auburn-reporter.com.
The key thing is what we do with our imperfections | Whale’s Tales

I have said and done many things of which I am not proud. That is, I am no golden bird cheeping about human frailties from some high branch of superhuman understanding.

Robert Whale can be reached at robert.whale@soundpublishing.com.
Grappling with the finality of an oncologist’s statement | Whale’s Tales

Perhaps my brain injected a bit of humor to cover the shock. But I felt the gut punch.

Cartoon by Frank Shiers
Legislature back in session next week | Cartoon

State lawmakers return Jan. 8 to Olympia.

Cartoon by Frank Shiers
Santa doesn’t drive a Kia | Cartoon

Cartoon by Frank Shiers.

Cartoon by Frank Shiers
Salute to veterans | Cartoon by Frank Shiers

On Veterans Day, honor those who served your country.

File photo
Why you should vote in the upcoming election | Guest column

When I ask my students when the next election is, frequently they will say “November 2024” or whichever presidential year is coming up next.