Valentine’s Day lessons and tips | Dennis Box

OK, I am in the newspaper business last time I checked. That means I am supposed to write stories and try to tell something resembling the truth.

Here goes.

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and I would like to offer some very good advice for men,  because I can claim years of experience as the superhero of Valentine’s Day — oh yeah.

Of all the excruciating holidays during the next 11 months of this year, Valentine’s Day is by far the most dangerous. Peril and pestilence lurk at every turn. One little, tiny mistake and you will forever be branded with the secret scarlet letter. Only women know what the letter is, but it is there. They can see it, but we can’t.

The following are a few of the top mistakes to avoid as Valentine’s Day approaches:

• “I don’t really care about Valentine’s Day, honey.”

If your wife or girlfriend says that your first reaction is to panic and then look for cover. If you believe that statement then I have a three-legged horse that will win the Kentucky Derby this year because he has heart. Oh yeah.

• You don’t have to buy me anything. Just having you around is enough.”

If you hear this statement, God save you, because you are in a lot of trouble. You have done something really dumb, begin thinking and trying to remember. I know it hurts right above the eyes to think, but it is the only way.

• “I don’t really like roses, dear.”

This is known as the classic hearing test. What does she like? That is the question. You had better know, which brings us to our next one. It is known to many as trouble with a capital D.

• Diamonds — Marilyn Monroe was right. They are a girl’s best friend.

I was informed recently what actually happened in those grade school classes when the boys and girls were all marched into the gym. You know when the boys where shuffled to the back gym and the girls went somewhere else.

This was not the “S” class I thought it was. I was told by a very reliable source who shall remain anonymous, we will call her Kris Hill, the girls are taught about the “Three Cs”

Of course I was dippy enough to bite.

“Three Cs? I never heard of that. Why doesn’t anyone ever tell me anything?”

Finally I broke her down and she gave me the girl code.

“It means cut, color and carat. We learn it early.”

I think she said carat, or maybe it was clarity — it is hard to remember three things with a male brain talking about these subjects.

Now that I have outlined a few of the traps waiting in the days ahead, here is my Valentine’s Day superhero secret code. I can tell you from experience this one works.

Believe it or not, I, at one time, got a girl to like me, or I tricked her just long enough.

It is important to remember, women do have that moment of weakness. It just takes perfect timing — their moment of weakness plus our moment of not appearing incredibly dopey and pathetic equals romance.

Here is my secret: chocolate-covered cherries. I made them myself. I cooked the chocolate, dipped the cherries and nearly burned myself to death at least three times. I messed up the stove, the floor around the stove, all the counter space and somehow got chocolate on one wall.

It didn’t matter, I ended up with a dozen chocolates and the burns got me sympathy points.

Let me tell you it worked, just don’t eat them all before you present them.

In conclusion, the best line about your valentine may come from a movie about baseball, “A League of Their Own.”

Jimmy Dugan, played by Tom Hanks, is a washed up baseball star coaching a women’s baseball team. He tells Dottie Hinson about his love of the game.

“I gave away five years at the end my career to drink. Five years. And now there isn’t anything I wouldn’t give to get back any one day of it.”

Time is short. My advice is to make some chocolate-covered cherries. It matters.