The Urinal Incident, great names, and a big matchup on the diamond | Column

As a parent of two boys (4 and 10), I’ve come to learn that some things are a lot funnier when they happen to someone else.

That thought has never rung more true than last week at Safeco Field during the Mariners home opener against the Oakland A’s. Attending the first game of the season at Safeco is a tradition in the Walker household. Unfortunately, it also has found a way to go hand-in-hand with at least one yearly mishap. More often than not, the unfortunate incident typically revolves around running late and getting caught in endless traffic while my two boys sit in the back seat and amusingly watch on as I mumble incoherent vulgarities underneath my breath like Chevy Chase in “Christmas Vacation.”

This year’s mishap, other than the game itself?

I call it The Urinal Fiasco.

There I was in the men’s bathroom somewhere on the 300-level with my two boys. Things seemed pleasant enough. The expected massive throng of people was in line to use the bathroom during the seventh-inning stretch, but my boys were 1-2 and all I had to do was supervise, so life was good. In fact, I couldn’t help but give myself a mental pat on the back for successfully navigating my two boys quickly to the front of the line without a hitch. I couldn’t help but look back at the long line and smirk as I noticed it curled well outside of the door.

For those parents who have ever taken a child to a crowded bathroom during a big sporting event, you know what I mean.

My daydream, however, came to a quick, disturbing, and rather embarrassing end less than a nanosecond after it had begun.

As I turned to admire all those stuck crossing their legs behind us, my youngest boy decided it was a good time to tackle his older brother … who was now at the urinal. It wasn’t, however, just a tackle. It was a full-out, head-first dive into the back of my oldest boy … who, I can’t stress this enough, was at the urinal.

You can imagine the chain reaction.

My oldest son began falling into the man to his right, who fell slightly into the man at his right, who was nudged slightly into the man to his right … etc. While falling, my oldest took the next logical step in his mind by bringing down his younger brother. Yep, right on to the sticky, stale, concrete bathroom floor in the 300 level of Safeco Field. It all happened so fast, yet in slow motion at the same time.

After cooler heads prevailed, I asked my youngest why he would do such a thing.

His response?

“He called me a poopie head,” my 4 year old said pointing to his older brother.

At a complete loss for words, I replied: “When?”

“Yesterday,” my 4 year old said.

Clearly, there’s nothing quite like keeping with tradition.

• The name game: Some nicknames are just so perfect. When I was in high school, a handful of people called me “Wheels” Walker, but I’m fairly certain it wasn’t due to my blazing speed. In fact, I have been told I run as though I am mad at the ground. It’s a nickname that generally rears its ugly head whenever I’m attempting anything that resembles moving my legs quickly.

A couple weeks ago, however, I heard one for a local athlete that’s an ideal match: Proton, otherwise known as Kentwood sprinter Quincie Proctor-Guyton. The nickname is a combination of the first three letters in “Proctor” and the last three letters in “Guyton.” Considering “Proton” currently ranks fifth in the SPSL North in the 100-meter dash at 13-seconds flat, something tells me she doesn’t run as though she’s mad at the ground.

Some people, however, simply don’t need a nickname. Kentridge sophomore Haley Crusch falls into this category, especially considering the way she swings the bat on the fastpitch diamond. Every time I look up, Crusch is doing just that to the ball. Last Tuesday, in fact, she drove in three runs in a key 8-4 win over Kentwood. Crusch is one of a small handful of fastpitch players to have racked up four hits in a single game this season.

Must be the name.

• Whiff on this: Has there been a better player on the diamond this spring than Kentwood’s Austin Voth? Voth, a right-handed pitcher who will play next season on scholarship at the University of Washington, hasn’t just been good, he has been downright dominant.

Voth opened the season by allowing just one hit and striking out 10 in five innings of a 9-1 win over Federal Way on March 24. Last week, he struck out 11 Thomas Jefferson batters in five innings. Wedged between those starts was Voth’s best performance of all as he allowed just three hits and struck out personal-best 15 batters in a 4-0 win over Kentlake. For those keeping track, that’s 36 strikeouts in just 16 innings of work, which is more than two whiffs per frame.

Interestingly, in that win over the Falcons, Kentlake ace Zach Wright, who also will pitch at UW next season, struck out 14 Conquerors in just six innings of work. This is a feat I could not accomplish against a team of Little Leaguers.

Voth and Wright likely will meet again on Friday, April 23, when the Conquerors play host to the Falcons in a showdown between SPSL North heavyweights. For fans of any level of baseball, this is a must see game.